Current mood:	tired
Current music:	Mandy Patinkin - When I Grow Too Old to Dream

Call Before You Come - Part Deux
In the continuing saga of trying to get my 15 year old daughter's medical problems taken care of, the lab results for the fasting insulin came in and the doctor herself called me last week. She informs me that Loopy Lynn's blood insulin level is "highly elevated" and then mentioned "pre-diabetic condition" and a host of other things. I was not surprised, it was just as we had always suspected and the doctor insisted she would like her to see an endocrinologist as soon as possible. I agreed and told her I already knew the name of a very good one here in town and would call her immediately. This is a shortened version of how those phone calls went:

1. Called Dr. Highly-Recommended.

Receptionist: Yes, we take your insurance, yes, the doctor is taking new patients, no, she doesn't take anyone under the age of 18.

Me: Sigh, ok, thank you.

2. Looked in phone book for other endocrinologists, find out there are only men pediatric endocrinologists in our area. I want a woman.

3. Did another more specific search for Pediatric Women Endocrinologists in Michigan and finally found one about 40 miles from our house. Not bad. Looked at all the listings for the doctor on Google and found out she seems like a good doctor.

4. Called the Dr. Hard-to-Find.

Receptionist: We take children but we need a referral. How old did you say she was? You know we're not a Pediatric Endocrinologist but we do take children. What type of insurance to you have?"

Me: Totally Useless Insurance

Receptionist: Ok, we take that kind. Hold on. (puts me on hold) Yes, ok, we take that kind of insurance but we need a referral. Can you get one of those? We won't see her without a referral.

Me: Yes, call you right back.

4. Call Dr. For-Women-Only.

Me: Hi, I need a referral for my daughter to go to Dr. Hard-to-Find.

Receptionist: What is her name? How do you spell that? What is her address/phone number/social security number/preferred coffee brand?

Me: (rattling off info)

Receptionist: Can you hold for a moment?

Me: Yes

Receptionist returns: We can't do an insurance referral for you to that doctor because with your insurance you should be able to go to any doctor you want to. You don't need a referral. Perhaps you can ask your Primary Care Physician for one. Hold on, here's Dr. For-Women-Only. She wants to talk to you.

Dr. For-Women-Only: Hi, I would be glad to give you a referral but I don't know what they're talking about. Why did you want to go to her? I don't know her. You should be able to go to any doctor you want. Why don't you call Dr. Primary-Care-Physician and ask him and then call them back and if ask them specifically what they're talking about and what they want. I'm just a Dr. For Women Only, I don't do referrals but I'd be happy to tell them Loopy Lynn needs one.

Me: Ok, thank you.

5. Call Dr. Primary-Care-Physician. His nurse answers. I explain to her what I need.

Nurse Betty: What? What are you doing? Where are you going? Why did you pick her? Why didn't you pick one affiliated with Dr. Primary-Care-Physician's Hospital? We don't have any of her tests results, we don't know what's going on.

I explain it all once again.

Nurse Betty: What's the endocrinologist's name/address/phone number/blood type/choice of Best Supporting Actress for the Academy Awards last Sunday.

Me: I provide all of the above.

Nurse Betty: Well, I don't know why they would want you to have a referral. Tell them that's ridiculous. You don't need one with your type of insurance. Call them and tell them that but they should already know that.

Me: ok, thank you.

6. I call Dr. Hard-to-Find again.

Receptionist-Different-From-First-One: Hello?

Me: Hi, I called both the Primary Care Physician and Dr. For-Women-Only and both of them insisted I don't need referrals with the type of insurance I have.

Receptionist: Can you hold for a minute?

Me: Ok, thank you.

Receptionist returns: Ok, what Receptionist #1 was TRYING to EXPLAIN to you was that you needed a Doctor's Referral, not a Doctor's Insurance Referral. Dr. Hard-to-Find won't see anyone unless they have been sent here by a doctor.

Me: Ah (but what I was really thinking was why didn't Receptionist #1 inform me of that in the first place?)

Receptionist 2: You need to call your doctor and tell them to call us and make the appointment for you, then they will call you back and give you the time. Make sure Dr. For-Women-Only sends the lab results to our office.

Me: Does it matter if I get the referral from the Primary Physician or Dr. For Women Only?

Receptionist 2: No, just pick one, it doesn't matter. Probably the one who wanted you to see the endocrinologist.

Me: ok, thank you.

7. I call Dr.-For-Women-Only back and explain what I need:

Receptionist: What's her name/address/phone number, email address and My Space name?

I provide the above.

Receptionist: Hold on. Here's the doctor.

Dr. For Women Only: They want what? a personal referral? Why do they need that? Oh well, I don't do those, I have no way to do them. I mean, yes, I could call them and tell them I want her seen by them but I don't have any way to refer her. Maybe you could get one from Dr. Primary-Care-Physician.

Me: Ok, thank you.

8. I call Dr. Primary-Care-Physician.

Receptionist: You need a personal referral? To whom? How do you spell that? Ok, what is their address/phone number and do they brush their teeth sideways or up and down?

I provide all the info.

Receptionist: You know what, you had better talk to Nurse Betty.

Me: ok, thank you.

Nurse Betty: Ok, now what do you need exactly?

Me: I need a referral for Loopy Lynn to Dr. Hard-to-Find.

Nurse Betty: (letting out a big sigh) Are they in now?

Me: They were a few minutes ago.

Nurse Betty: Ok, who is the doctor? How do you spell that? What is her address/phone number/date of birth/does she take your insurance/and did she vote Republican or Democrat in the last election? Make sure you send the lab results from Dr. For-Women-Only.

Me: Would that be to you, to them or both?

Nurse Betty: Them, Ok, what I'm going to do is call them right now, can you hold on?

Me: Yes

Nurse Betty returns: I just missed them, they close at 4:30. Ok, tell you what, I will call them tomorrow, not tomorrow morning because I have a meeting at the hospital I have to go to. I will be here in the office from 7:00 to 8:00 am but they won't be open that early but then I have to go out to the hospital for that meeting so I will be here after lunch and call them then, will you be home after lunch?

Me: Yes

Nurse Betty: ok, wait, I didn't get the name of your daughter! (laughs and laughs) Ok, what is her name/birth-date/age/phone number? Wouldn't that have been funny if I had called them and didn't know who it was I was referring to them? (laughs more)

Me: Yes, hysterical.